i'm giving another journal site a try. i can't bring myself to update here any longer. at least not as things stand now. if anyone that reads this wants the new site, etc. you'll have to send me an email. just email me at temporary_affliction@hotmail.com and tell me who you are and i'll be happy to provide you with the information.

cause sooner or later it's over

i don't know if i'm slipping into a mania stage or if i'm just going through an insomnia phase. everything is so mixed up and i feel like i'm stumbling around in this darkness. too many things. too much stress. too much life and i reach this point where i slip on sadness like second skin. comfortable in its familiar tones. its familiar feel. and yet lurking underneath is this great fear that this time i'll just let go. i'll just give up. give in. let it pull me down to the point where i'll never be able to come back. and with the sadness come the loneliness. overwhelming in its strength. for someone ... anyone to hold the darkness at bay for a few moments. but i can't reach out. it's too hard. it leaves me feeling so drained - just the simplest interactions with people is so complicated and confusing. god i feel fucked up.

i just don't want to miss you tonight

... maybe then i could start over and be pure again. if i could flay the skin from my bones, leave myself bloody and broken. maybe then i could heal.

i am a prisoner of my mind and my past. of my suicidal tendencies. my obsessive slicing that leaves words in the shape of scars - emotions in the shape of bloody red lines across my body. i often wonder what it would be like to have grown up innocent. to have grown up laughing and happy. not somber and sad. wondering what i did to deserve my fate. wondering what set me apart ... a small child with no hint of the woman she would become. no breasts. no womanly curves. nothing in me that should have attracted a man's desire. a man's sickness. a sickness the eats at you. creeps through you like a shadow in the dark. leaving you dirty. i'll never be clean. i fear i'll never feel whole. i wonder if people can sense that all is not right. that i'm broken. that i'm burdened with baggage no child should ever have to learn to carry. baggage no person should ever have. i wonder if the sins of my childhood led me down the paths of my youth. i wonder if the things that have happened were all set into motion by those twisted events. to this day i still wonder if i deserved to be molested. if i deserved to have someone force their will and their desires upon me. not just as a child ... but later in life too. both times that i was raped ... after i gave up fighting when i knew i couldn't be free of what was happening and just ... submitted. a part of me could not help but think that i deserved it. but how could anyone deserve that????????????

god i am melancholy tonight.

i wonder how many other people wake up and wish for nothing but the oblivion of untroubled sleep. wish that they could sleep the day away ... sleep away all the days until there was nothing left but dreamless, peaceful sleep. i'm so tired and i have to go and pretend that i am real, that i feel ... when i am numb. i have to speak and laugh and be something that i am not today. why must i always pretend that everything is fine when inside i am screaming. when inside it feels like i am bleeding to death.

don't plague me with your false concern
i never wanted any false coin with you
but you simper and sigh at me
bat those pretty eyes at me
and all the while
all the way
you look through me
betray me with your lies
hiding the bitter way you
despise
me
and all the while
all the way
i'm desperate for you
dancing for you
to keep myself
attached to your little string
anything to bring
a little bit of light
and love
into the darkness
of my life …
©2006mkh

sometimes it hurts just to breathe. a single breath of sucking torturous air into my lungs. sometimes i wonder if i could hold my breath and never have to breath again. i wonder what would happen, if i could actually do it. would i turn colors? would it hurt? would i lose consciousness? would anything happen at all? does it honestly even matter?

 i think i've done enough blog changing in the past few years to make my own head spin with every place and name i've been. it's confusing even to me. but sometimes you have to do things whether or not you want to. easy or hard, important or trivial, you just have to do them. so i've moved again, except this time i took my previous content with me. it just wasn't the same. i thought i could completely start over, but it seems in the process i lost my motivation somehow. i lost the part of me that could put words on an empty web page and click publish. even as i'm writing this i'm wondering if i'll be able to stay. to continue as i used to do. i've because so ... anti-everything. people. writing. life. it's as though i'm trying to lock myself away in a box and hide until i'm strong enough again. i feel defeated. i feel so tired. so ... lost. but it doesn't matter really. anymore very few things do ...

let me see your poison tree
let me be your poisoned seed
let me become your devious deception
as you hide me
bind me
keep me from the world
shameful
the way i placed my faith in you
faithless
i've become something
someone
else
for you
and you see me
in a carnival mirror
blinded
by the myth and the madness
of what lay beneath
the woman you tried
to create
©2005mkh

 it's done.

             and it's not.

but we can pretend. for now. i can close my eyes and pretend that all is well, all is as it should be, as it was meant to be.

there are things that i need to do. and things that float just beyond the realm of my comprehension. i know they are there ... waiting .... waiting for their time in my memory. for thier time to be completed, or comprehended. but there are solid things that must be done. and the time has flown. so must i.

i guess, in a nutshell: i'm back.